Reapers' Christmas
by BrDPirateMan
Summary: Santa Claus dies in a freak accident and is sent to the UG, so without him to deliver the presents, is Christmas doomed? It's up to Konishi, Sho and Higashizawa to take his place for the time being. But they make a real mess of it...
1. Chapter 1

**Reapers' Christmas (Part 1)  
><strong>by BrDPirateMan

'Twas the night before Christmas…

All of the world's children were fast asleep at this time of the night. And all of them were dreaming the same thing, the same dream. It existed in many different flavours and versions, but they all amounted to one unanimous wish: to get lots of presents on Christmas Day.

And one old soul was busy scouring the night for houses to visit. He had a great number of gifts to deliver, and his job was far from over.

But it was his passion, and he loved it despite the tedium and difficulty.

After all, he was Santa Claus.

A long night had gone by and he had visited many countries already, ticking them off his checklist. Now, he had finally arrived in Japan, via magical flying sled, of course. And the first pit-stop was the city of Shibuya.

He drew a hand over his forehead as he gazed at the sleeping metropolis, and thought to himself, _Another country where the houses don't have chimneys. I guess I'll have to use the front door or any other possible route in._

With a jerk of the reins, he guided his sled downwards towards the nearest building, which was an apartment. His merry band of reindeer pulled the sled with gusto and fervour, led by Rudolph, who was at the front doing a wonderful job lighting their way through the mild city smog with his bright nose.

Santa was so thrilled at the prospect of delivering more happiness to the world that he couldn't help himself as he descended. He broke into a hearty laugh, the most famous of its kind.

"Ho ho ho!" went his voice through the night air. "Merry Christ–"

At that moment, however, he happened to look upwards, and what he saw nearly stopped his heart. "–mas?"

He saw something in the sky above him. Something unusual. Was it a bird? No, it was too big. Was it a plane? No, it was too small. What could it be? The unidentified object was growing larger by the second. It was hurtling towards him! He yanked at the reins urgently, trying to veer out of the way, but it was too late. At the very last moment, it was right in his face, and that was when he realized what it was.

…It was a bus.

And it just fell from the sky for some reason… and hit him.

HO HO HO WHAM!

XOXOXOXOXO

When Santa came to, the pain was the first thing he was aware of. He hadn't even opened his eyes, and already it had seared him through the head like a knife. It hurt pretty badly.

He pried his eyelids open, and white light flooded his sight. Soon enough his eyesight adjusted itself, and he could see that he was sprawled on the floor in a room that was as white as snow. He even mused to himself, _Am… Am I back in the North Pole?_ But no, he clearly wasn't back home in the Arctic.

As he struggled to his feet, he saw a person strolling towards him slowly. The mystery man was dressed all in black, except for the white shirt underneath his open jacket. And the sunglasses perched on his nose were so dark his eyes could not even be seen. Before Santa had the chance to ask just what the heck was going on, he introduced himself.

"Greetings, Mr Claus," said the man, standing ramrod straight. "I know it's abrupt and you have questions of your own, but let me speak for a bit." A clearing of the throat and he continued, "My name is Megumi Kitaniji, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are now dead."

Santa frowned, and while he was a patient person, he certainly wasn't very patient now. In fact, seeing himself all alone without his crew of reindeer, he became worried. "What are you talking about? Where am I, and… where's my sled? !"

"Relax," reassured Megumi, "your reindeer and everything else are in good hands. I must apologise, however, for the current circumstances."

"What?"

"You see, this place isn't just… any place. It is the UnderGround – the UG – a place where the souls of the departed converge to play the Reapers' Game. Now, long story short, if you're here, that means you're dead. And if you're dead, you have to play the Reapers' Game."

Hopelessly confused, Santa waved his hand, a gesture to stop him from talking. "Slow down, slow down. Whatever nonsense are you babbling about?"

Chuckling softly, Megumi lightly placed his hand on his forehead as a sign of slight exasperation. "I'm tired of answering that question. But what I just said was the truth. You've just died. And for that, I'm sorry because my subordinate is to blame for that."

"Subordinates?" Now the old man was growing alarmed. "Are you hitmen sent to kill me? !"

"No, no, nothing like that. But one of my Reapers was busy training, and well, telekinesis isn't easy to wield when you pick up something heavy like a bus."

"A… bus?" Somehow, that sounded familiar, like he had seen one not too long ago…

"Yes, terribly sorry about that. Apparently, he wanted to test his might, so he threw it into the air. Catching it was another matter altogether, though. He failed. And so, that bus hit you, and you died."

Santa had been on guard this entire time, but what he had heard was so ridiculous that he refused to listen to anything more that Megumi had to say. "Okay, nice story, boy, but I have presents to deliver. Merry Christmas to you, and goodbye."

"Do you even know where the exit is?"

Oops… that was a good question. Santa couldn't see one when he looked this way and that. Was he trapped in this white room with a lunatic?

"And also," said Megumi, "please take a look at this news piece. Very recent."

With a casual air, he fished out his cell phone and tapped on its touchscreen several times before showing the display to the old guy. What Santa was looking at was live news footage that had just been broadcast, and what he saw shocked him.

The scene in the broadcast was one of the many streets of Shibuya, and smack dab in the middle of it was a horribly mangled bus with smoke billowing from every corner. It was being doused liberally by a group of firefighters, and many people had gathered to gawk at the sight.

"This just in," said the reporter. "There's been a terrible accident near Udagawa. It sounds very bizarre, but according to witnesses, a bus had fallen from the sky and landed here before exploding." To illustrate the extent of the event's strangeness, she managed the slightest of frowns as she talked. "No one has any idea how it happened, but it appears that there might have been a single casualty."

The camera zoomed in on the shadow underneath the bus. "A red Christmas cap was found beneath the wreckage. There is no visible body, but the presence of this cap might imply that someone had been crushed underneath – "

At this point, Megumi turned off the broadcast. There was no need to show anymore of it, as Santa was slowly beginning to come to grips with his situation. The latter, with all the speed of a glacier, reached up to his head with trembling hands. Much to his horror, his cap wasn't there, sitting snugly over his skull. It was gone… and it was probably the one found snagged beneath that bus!

"That bus… really killed me? !"

Megumi was apologetic, but more for his subordinate's blunder rather than his death. "I will personally reprimand that Reaper so that he takes his training more seriously. Now, as per the rules in the UG, you will have to play the Reapers' Game…"

Santa panicked, perspiration beading on his shiny forehead, face as pale as the snow in his homeland. "Wait! Stop! How could this happen to me? ! I'm Santa! I have to give presents to everyone in the world! I can't be dead at a time like this, or at all! Are you some kind of ghost? ! Am _I_ a ghost? !"

Seeing Father Christmas look so unlike the cheery self as he was often depicted made Megumi smile. Not because he was cruel, but because it was somewhat amusing. But things had to be done as they were, so with a sigh, he decided to give the spiel he always gave to the newly dead. And as there was always a steady influx of them, he had practically memorized every word of it.

"I guess I don't have a choice, now do I? Mr Claus, allow me to explain to you how this whole thing works. And what better place to do it than the living room? Come, I'll give you some refreshments."

XOXOXOXOXO

In the Dead God's Pad, a bar-like room filled with smooth jazz music, Santa was clinging onto each of Megumi's words like a bloodsucking parasite. He had been offered a glass of orange juice, squeezed fresh from the fruit itself, but he hardly touched it. Why drink when he was already dead anyway?

But thanks to the Conductor's words, he now understood the gist of how things operated in the world of the dead. However, he was not very happy. "So I'm a Player now, and to come back to life, I have to play the Reapers' Game and win it. But look…"

"Hmmm?" Megumi was casually sipping on a can of coffee. Yes… as casually as he could. After all, he was already dead himself, so what was the rush? And what's more, decaf was his favourite, meant to be enjoyed slowly. "What is it now, Mr Claus?"

Frustrated with his predicament, Santa had transformed from jolly giver of presents to grumpy old geezer. "Don't talk to me like that! The Reapers' Game lasts an entire week, but by the time I clear it, Christmas will be long over! And there are still children out there who haven't got their presents! Damnation, seven days from now when I'm alive again it'll be New Year's Day!"

"Oh yes, that's a problem alright." Megumi took another nice loooooong sip… _Ah… decaf._

"Stop drinking your darn coffee and listen! You know I don't and can't give late presents! It's just not done doing that!"

"I do understand your plight, Mr Claus. That's why I'm making arrangements."

"Arrangements?" A tiny glimmer of hope rose in his aging cholesterol-clogged heart. "You mean… I can come back to life right now instead of having to play the Game?"

"Well, yes, that. I'll have to take this up to the Composer… no promises though. But in the meantime, seeing as you're dead and can't deliver any presents, I'd gladly get some of my men to help out."

A wave of relief washed over Santa. Even though the thought that he may have to slog through the Game wasn't comforting, at least the rest of the world wouldn't need to spend Christmas empty-handed. But he certainly hoped that these Reapers whom Megumi spoke of were reliable… This bad feeling in the pit of his stomach couldn't get any worse.

Nonetheless, gratitude was in order. "Thank you, that'd be most splendid," he said. "And please do start immediately. Christmas Eve doesn't last forever."

Megumi took his leave and cranked a door open. "I'll get to it right this minute. Please make yourself at home in the meantime, Mr Claus. I even have some nice music playing." Then a soft click of the door behind him, and he was gone.

But the music was the worst choice he could have chosen for Santa. It went…

_Yesterday…_

_All my sorrows seem so far away…_

_Now I know that they are here to stay…_

Listening to this song reminded Santa of his predicament and only served to intensify the feeling of dread he already had in him.

XOXOXOXOXO

The three senior Reaper officers serving directly under Megumi were enjoying some time off this Christmas Eve. But instead of diving into the Christmas spirit, they were fulfilling their own hobbies. The festive season was nice and all, but it wasn't really something they were crazy over. As such, they regarded this day as a day off and took things slowly.

Now, the Reapers in question were a colourful trio indeed…

Yodai Higashizawa was proud of his culinary skills, so he was busy cooking dish after dish tirelessly. The kitchen was his oyster; he could remain there for hours at a time, doing everything from julienning and dicing to steaming and stir-frying.

So caught up in his own little world that he didn't even bother to check out what his colleagues Sho Minamimoto and Mitsuki Konishi were doing. These two were sitting at a table minding their own business for the most part, except when Sho interrupted the peace with a bad joke.

Sho was renowned for his ability to grasp math like no other person could. But he was eccentric to such a fault that most people simply thought of him as insane. Perhaps he really was. His speech was always laden with mathematical terms that were all but suitable or necessary. And for some unfathomable reason, he loved trash. Garbage cans were art to him.

What was he doing now? He was solving Sudoku puzzles by the dozens, but he couldn't find any harder ones out there, so he had to make do with the relatively "simpler" ones. His boredom grew with the stack of finished Sudoku puzzle books at his feet.

On the opposite end of the table was Konishi, an elegant woman with a cold, distant and calculative personality. Little is known about her, but those who have met her were quickly intimidated by her strictness. They learnt not to underestimate her, not to get on her bad side… and because of her no-nonsense attitude, she was dubbed – behind her back – the "Iron Maiden". She loved to strategise and plan out her moves in a crafty and careful way, so it should come as no wonder that she was now indulging herself with a copy of _How to Crush Your Enemies and Make Them Kill Themselves_. Her all-time favourite book (luckily no one she's dealt with has committed suicide… yet).

Occasionally, Sho might let his mind wander, and this was when he would think up of a self-made joke and tell it to an uninterested Konishi.

"Hey, Konishi, listen," he said eagerly. "What do you get if two numbers have a love child?"

She tried to mask her annoyance, though she wasn't very good at it, not that she really bothered to. "What?"

"A son of a digit! Ha ha ha ha!"

With a sigh and a roll of her eyes to the ceiling, she muttered, "I don't get it." Then she returned to her book.

Sho snorted, his spirit slightly deflated from another failed attempt at comedy. "Inverse matrix! Can't you see I've got a zetta sense of humour?"

"If 'zetta' means bad," deadpanned Konishi, "then I believe you."

Sho was about to shoot back a clever retort (clever to him, anyway) when Megumi showed up.

"You two, get a hold of Higashizawa," he ordered, pushing his sunglasses further up his nose.

"Is something the matter, sir?" asked Konishi politely, who had stood up from her seat, ready to serve and follow orders. Sho just sat there, disinterested.

"Yes. I'd like to talk to you about something."

All three stood before Megumi, with Higashizawa still in his apron. The Conductor explained the situation and, with the exception of Sho, they took it all in with admirable professionalism. Sho was grinning and the occasional rude snigger escaped from his throat every now and then, prompting Konishi to smack him behind the head at least once.

"Well, there you have it," said Megumi at last. "With no one to deliver presents, we're stuck in a rut until I can get the Composer to clear up this gray area."

Although Konishi was amazed by this bizarre turn of events, she still maintained her seriousness. "What should we do?"

"It's nothing that I can't cook up," chimed in Higashizawa.

"You probably could have guessed by now," said Megumi, "but I'd like the three of you to take Santa's place for the time being and help to deliver those presents in his stead. In his state, he can't do much."

The three Reapers had differing views on the whole matter, and differing levels of enthusiasm. Konishi was one to take on any job that her superiors gave her, and she was always willing to do it. "Hmmm… Yes, you are right," she said, "in that I'd already guessed what it was. It's just as I predicted."

Higashizawa had been planning to cook up a storm for the remainder of Christmas Eve, and was sorely disappointed to find out that he'd have to work, but he was a loyal officer to the end and he just went along. "Yes, sir, Mr Kitaniji, we'll do it. We'll gladly serve up the platter of Christmas happiness to children everywhere."

Last but not least, there was Sho. He pumped his fist in the air. "Alright, that zetta rocks! Maybe this'll subtract my ever expanding boredom!"

"You will start immediately," ordered Megumi, "and everything has been prepared. But first, I'd like you to at least meet the man himself." He looked at each of his three officers in turn and then cleared his throat like he always had a habit of doing. "Introduce yourselves to Mr Claus. And… do his old heart good by making him feel at ease. He's already feeling quite jittery as is."

Led into the guest room by the Conductor, the three walked in and were astonished to find Father Christmas in the flesh. So he really wasn't just a story cooked up by scheming parents… He lacked the trademark jolliness he was known for, though.

They stood in a line in front of Santa for him to see. The old guy gave them a once-over and it was obvious from the deepening frown on his brow that he wasn't impressed.

"Mr Claus," announced Megumi robotically, "these will be your replacements for tonight until we sort things out. Please get along."

Higashizawa was the first to speak up. With as polite and normal a greeting he could manage, he said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Do you still eat cookies and milk every time you visit a house? You should be careful. Milk is good, but too much of it is bad for you, especially if it is the full-cream variety. And it goes without saying that cookies do the waistline no good… I should know."

He had tried to sound friendly and concerned with his advice, but Santa didn't take it too kindly, seeing it as a veiled insult.

Resident math freak Sho Minamimoto was up next. From out of nowhere he pulled out his megaphone, yelling into it without a care for everyone's eardrums. "Merry zetta Christmas, you factoring hectopascal! ! ! Let me tell you something, old binomial. I don't believe one digit about your ability to give millions of presents in one night."

Santa glared at him in confusion. "What?"

"C'mon, that's just not zetta possible. Either that or your sled's been zetta tricked out so it can travel at 299,792,458 m/s, which is even less possible! Which would make you a mathematical anomaly! Ha! 3.1415926…" His tirade of numbers was cut off when Konishi whacked him in the back of the head.

"I apologise for his behaviour," she said curtly. Her greeting was shorter than those of the other two, but was liberally peppered with her inhuman coldness. "Now, aside from the fact that you are now dead, Mr Claus, I predict that you will have a very merry Christmas. Theoretically, anyway."

Santa just stared at them in total disbelief, unsure of what to say.

Feeling slightly bashful for his men, Megumi muttered, "I'm sorry, Mr Claus. My subordinates are all… good people. Really."

"You expect me," stormed Santa, "to place my trust in the likes of them? !"

"Your rudeness notwithstanding," said Konishi coldly, "you'd be terribly incorrect to underestimate us as inferior, Mr Claus."

There was the ghost of a smile on Megumi's lips, as though he was amused at seeing how wrong his unwilling guest was, in contrast to the preciseness of his most trusted aide Konishi. It was always like her to guess things correctly… to _predict_ things. "I have to concur with her," he agreed. "These Reapers aren't your average riff-raff. They're officers and they've proven their mettle; I've personally seen their personal development for myself. Anyway, rest assured, Mr Claus, they'll deliver… both literally and figuratively."

Santa gave a sigh and appeared to sink deeper into the couch. "I don't see that I've really got a choice here… Beggars can't be choosers, and apparently dead people are the same way. Fine."

He cast a fierce yet imploring gaze at them. "Please help me out, you three. I'm counting on you, or rather, the whole world is counting on you."

Higashizawa gave his chest a gentle pound from his fist to show his confidence. "Watch. We shall turn this terrible mess into a mouth-watering delicacy."

"Why eat it," Sho almost shouted, "when you can calculate it? ! Sine cosine tangent!"

Konishi herded her two fellow officers out the room to get themselves ready for the task ahead, and strangely enough she didn't say a single word. But knowing her sharp tongue, this might have been all for the better.

"Great," groaned Santa, "so the fate of Christmas is now in the hands of a bunch of weirdos."

Popping open another can of coffee, Megumi had this to say, "Well, they may be a little rough around the edges and they do have their own little quirks and such, but once you can see past that, they're pretty decent."

"I certainly hope you're right. Now what about letting me off the hook? I don't want to play this Reapers' Game you're always talking about. I'd rather be out in the field doing my job!"

"That's not for me but for the Composer to decide. If He so wishes, he could reincarnate you on the spot… or erase you. Or keep you around for amusement."

Santa shuddered. Just what kind of monster was this Composer?

How he rued the moment he got hit by that airborne bus!

XOXOXOXOXO

Elsewhere in the Reapers' headquarters, the three Reaper officers were getting geared up for the night.

There was little debate when the time came for the most important decision to be made.

The air felt very stuffy as Konishi took a deep breath. "Mr Higashizawa, seeing as one of us will need to play the part of Santa Claus, I think that since you are the most… corpulent of us three, it would be just right if you assumed that role."

He stared at her. Then slowly he spoke, "Ms Konishi, if you want to say I'm fat, then just say it. I… appreciate the honesty. And the feedback."

"I… I see," she muttered, in a rare display of slight discomfort. "Well, good to know we're all open-minded." She could tell from his body language that despite his words, he was very sensitive about his weight and figure. It was best to leave things as they were lest she should upset him further.

Sho took it upon himself to mess up this delicate balance though. Whether it was cruelty or because he was naturally insane, it was difficult to tell – with him, it was difficult to tell a lot of things. But in any case, what he said, with an extra-large shark grin, was:

"Open-minded? Zetta awesome! Then I guess you wouldn't mind if I told you that your waistline is undergoing exponential addition! In other words, you're getting heavier. If I were to calculate the amount of body fat you have, I'd have to use an atomic calculator that can round off to the nearest one million digits, and I'm being generous. The point is, lose weight already, you zetta 000!"

Overwhelmed by such a brutally honest opinion, Higashizawa was reduced to a fetal position in a corner of the room, staring at the wall and with clouds of gloom hanging over his head. "My bones are just big," he mumbled to himself. "My BMI is normal, right? Yes… yes, it is… I think."

Konishi was not impressed with Sho, as usual. "Tact, Mr Minamimoto," she hissed angrily. "Tact!"

"Tact is garbage," he snorted. "CRUNCH!"

It would take a good while for Higashizawa to regain his crushed spirits and don the red outfit. As reluctant as he was to do it, even he had to admit that he looked the part. If it weren't for his dark dreadlocks, his perpetual scowl, and the absence of a flowing beard, he would probably be mistaken for Santa Claus. Probably. It was a start, at least.

Once Sho and Konishi put on similar red coats, the three of them trooped down to another part of their headquarters where the famous sled and its reindeer were waiting, tended to not by merry hardworking elves, but by shady Reaper underlings wearing hooded jackets. The reindeer were so frightened by this change of environment that their antlers were jiggling in fear. Rudolph's nose glowed especially brightly in alarm.

Everything was in place. Even Santa's magical bag of gifts was in the sled. But upon seeing it all, Sho immediately voiced his discontent.

"What the pi?" he huffed. "It's all wrong! How does that old binomial drive something so factoring lame?"

"It's a sled, Mr Minamimoto," reminded Konishi. "Not a sports car."

"That's not it; you're missing the point, hectopascal! That sled screams 100% ugliness. There is no beauty! How can something like this have negative beauty? CRUNCH!" And he stalked off to inspect their ride with even more disgust.

"I can never understand this person," she grumbled under her breath.

"Neither can I," seconded Higashizawa.

The two began a little discussion about strategy amongst themselves, opting to leave Sho out of it; nine times out of ten he wouldn't listen anyway, what with his strident attitude and nonsensical rambling. They were so absorbed in their talk about how to enter houses without chimneys and how to essentially become Santa that at first they didn't notice him doing something to the sled. Then came an uproar from the Reaper underlings which demanded their attention, so they looked to see what was up.

They almost fainted. Sho was redecorating the sled, and not in a good way!

Konishi found him painting the sides with bright yellow letters. "Mr Minamimoto, what on earth are you doing? !"

He looked up briefly to address her. "Well, Christmas is in the air, so I thought to multiply the mood and add to it. I'm just iterating our ride, is all. Santa's sledge is so zetta boring-looking, his taste is like garbage. CRUNCH!"

"You are turning every child's dreams out there into a nightmare by hanging all these trash can lids onto the reindeer!" She proceeded to rip off a few and as she was doing so, she suddenly noticed the letters that he was painting. She shook her head in horror. "Mr Minamimoto? !"

"What? Its equation of beauty isn't complex enough, and – "

"Get your spelling right! For goodness' sake, it's spelled 'SANTA', not 'SATAN'!"

Sho merely shrugged. "Who gives a digit? All the letters are accounted for, man. Besides, I doubt those kids can read, stupid binomial brats that they are!"

Konishi slapped her forehead. _The one who can't read is you, Mr Minamimoto._

Exasperated with the math-crazed Reaper, she did something that she seldom would do. She gave up. She threw her arms into the air in disgust and huffed, "Fine. Do what you want, Mr Minamimoto. I wouldn't stop you." Higashizawa, on the other hand, was so embarrassed that he didn't know where to look.

Sho took that as a green light to do whatever he wanted and gleefully proceeded to give the sled a complete makeover, making it look even more hideous with scraps here and there, much to the dismay of the Reapers nearby. But nobody could stop the self-proclaimed math whiz. The reindeer were so mortified that they had half a mind to trample him underneath their hooves.

All the while, he was humming a song to himself, sung along to the tune of "You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch", but altered significantly:

_You're a weirdo, Mr Sho  
><em>_Math is all that's in your head  
><em>_You're obsessed with decimals  
><em>_And you eat pi in your bread  
><em>_Mr Sho!  
><em>_Your love for mathematics is  
><em>_Thicker than even lead!_

_You are crazy, Mr Sho  
><em>_You sing praises to a graph  
><em>_And for you when students fail at math  
><em>_It'll induce a silly laugh  
><em>_Mr Sho!  
><em>_Stop laughing already 'cause that's  
><em>_Really more than enough!_

_You're a nut job, Mr Sho  
><em>_What the heck does "zetta" mean?  
><em>_You take pride in mangled language  
><em>_Much like how a bird would preen  
><em>_Mr Sho!  
><em>_I'll bet inside your brain there's  
><em>_So much cheap junk to clean!_

_I'm convinced now, Mr Sho,  
><em>_That you are a lunatic  
><em>'_Cause formulas, fractions and such  
><em>_Are the things that make you tick  
><em>_Mr Sho!  
><em>_Go get a better hobby  
><em>_One that others would pick!_

_You're abnormal, Mr Sho  
><em>_Calculators make you smile  
><em>_Just pressing on those buttons and  
><em>_You will pant so very vile  
><em>_Mr Sho!  
><em>_You are perverted and you're  
><em>_Worse than a crocodile!_

_You're a strange one, Mr Sho  
><em>_You exasperate us all  
><em>_What you spout is hardly logic  
><em>_And your claims are very tall  
><em>_Mr Sho!  
><em>_The way you talk is enough to  
><em>_Drive people up the wall!_

By the time he had finished his self-praising song, everything was ready and so was the makeshift Christmas present delivery team. Even the final touches of humiliation had already been added courtesy of Sho: a pair of exhaust pipes welded to the sides of the sled to look like some Frankenstein's Harley-Davidson. And pinned to the back was a self-made flag that read "Got math?"

"So what do you hectopascals think?" he said proudly, expecting a positive answer.

And like usual, all Konishi could do was shake her head and try to pretend Sho never existed. "I need an aspirin." Higashizawa was already taking one.

"Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally! Numbers and equations cannot describe how sweet this looks right now. Now _this_ is beauty! So let's get a zetta move on already. What're you waiting for, Christmas? Oh wait…"

"…Let's just get going."

And so, Higashizawa – Santa 2.0 – climbed aboard the sled together with Sho and Konishi as his helpers. Without wasting another second, they were airborne. One or two hiccups handling the reins made flight a little unstable, but otherwise everything was in good order.

Thus started their long night to save Christmas.

As they soared through the night sky, the sled seemed to chime merrily with the festive spirit. It was peculiar considering how the name "SATAN CLAUS" was clearly visible from the sides.


	2. Chapter 2

**Reapers' Christmas (Part 2)  
><strong>by BrDPirateMan

"ZETTA HO HO HO! ! !"

"Stop it, Mr Minamimoto," chided Konishi as patiently as she could, though it was hard.

"Aren't we there yet? So zetta slow. Whoever designed this sled is a real son of a digit. Didn't even take the math of streamlining into account! Oh wait, that's Santa Claus. Such a radian."

"Well, here's our first appetizer," announced Higashizawa, steering the sled carefully and maneuvering it onto the roof of a nice bungalow. Such houses weren't normally seen in Shibuya, but then they weren't really in Shibuya in the first place. They had flown all the way to the outskirts of the city, which was more residential in nature. Their plan was to start off easy and then steadily progress to harder targets such as multi-storeyed apartment buildings which were commonplace in the inner city areas.

Konishi adjusted her glasses and eyed the checklist keenly while Sho handed Higashizawa the appropriate present. "No chimney," muttered the fake Santa, "not that I'm surprised at all. But nothing can deter the true gourmet… Front door it is."

"Use Mr Claus' magic key," said Konishi, handing him a key with an ornately-carved tree-shaped handle. "Apparently, this is what he uses to gain access to houses without chimneys. Think of it as a skeleton key."

"If there was an electronic lock," Sho piped up, "I'd have a ball of time deciphering it, what with all the possible number permutations and all. Zetta awesome stuff."

Higashizawa hopped onto the ground from the roof as silently as he could, then swiftly gained access through the main entrance with Santa's magic key. The living room was easily located because of the giant Christmas tree that stood in a corner, dripping with colourful ornaments, begging to have presents placed at its feet.

_Not too hard_, he thought to himself as he left the present underneath the branches. _Now, it's onto the next – Wait… That smell… It's…!_

His keen nose detected the faintest hint of a sweet aroma. Like a bloodhound, he expertly traced the scent to a small coffee table next to the tree. Placed there was a few cookies on a plate, along with a glass of milk… the soybean variety, he could tell from the distinct smell. He instantly recognized this as a common gesture from the household's children, a way of saying thanks to Santa by providing refreshments. It was cute, but he didn't smile. It just wasn't his style to.

But there was another reason he couldn't smile. Sho's cruel words about his weight had made him self-conscious about himself; well, he always had been keeping an eye on his waistline, but now he was even more careful than ever. And seeing those delicious, mouth-watering cookies wasn't helping matters. Oreos were his kryptonite… actually, any kind of good food was his kryptonite, which was why it was hard to be slim.

More than anything, he just wanted to take a bite, but he knew from experience that if he did, one bite would lead to another and that would be the end of it.

But they smelt so good… and they looked so tasty…

"No!" grunted Higashizawa, this close to punching the wall in frustration. "No. A master chef must never succumb to something like this… Evil children… I should fry them to a crispy golden-brown for not considering Santa's feelings about weight maintenance…"

But carrot-on-a-stick temptation such as this wasn't easy to resist. Moving his entire person away from the scene was like trying to move a mountain. He couldn't budge. Indecisiveness clouded his senses. Should he go? Or should he… take a bite? The journey tonight would be a long, arduous one… and there might not even be a chance to stop and refuel his energy supply… There might not be cookies in the other houses he would have to visit too, so this was the best time…

His fingers were trembling, sweat was gathering on his brow, as he tentatively reached out for the morsels. Such a tough choice, but a true gourmet had to be resolute in his decisions.

"Just… one… bite… That's enough…"

He grabbed a cookie and bit just the edge very delicately, as though it'd crumble with too much force…

…but as the sweetness permeated throughout his mouth, and he saw all the colours of the rainbow, he knew he was done for.

He ended up wolfing the whole plate down.

"I… I'm so shamed," he muttered in defeat, staring with regret at the now-emptied plate and glass. "I'm sorry, Yodai… I've failed you… I couldn't resist the dark side…"

Back on the sled, Sho was getting impatient.

"What's taking the bulldozer so long?" he grumbled. "So zetta slow."

"I'll have to agree," said Konishi, "that it shouldn't be too hard to find the living room of a small house such as this."

Soon after she said that, Higashizawa returned, slumping into the front seat of the sled and looking very gloomy.

"What the digit was the holdup, man?" jabbed Sho.

Higashizawa didn't reply to the question, instead muttering, "L-Let's just hurry on to the next house. The night wouldn't stay fresh for too long." The taste of his personal failure lingered around like the sinful aftertaste of sugar in his mouth.

XOXOXOXOXO

The next few houses proved to be devoid of milk and cookies, much to Higashizawa's relief, as it made his life less frustrating and their work faster. But whenever he did come across a plate of cookies and an accompanying glass of milk, he would invariably gobble it all up, try as he might to suppress his desires.

_Just… Just a few more blocks_, he thought to himself, giddy from another binge of cookies. _Then maybe I can ask Mr Minamimoto or even Ms Konishi to take over while I rest._

The last house he intended to visit was a simple double-storeyed house which he had little problems infiltrating. He found the Christmas tree quickly enough and left the presents beneath, and he was glad to see that no refreshments had been laid out.

It was all good. Now all he had to do was get back onto the roof where his teammates were waiting. The window from which he entered was in the first floor, so it would just be a short jog back up the stairs and he would be home free.

However, things never go as planned, and of all the mishaps to encounter, it had to be this.

As he was going up the stairs, he bumped into a child who had apparently awoken for some reason – too excited to sleep, perhaps, so it was off to the fridge for a glass of juice or something. Time froze for the two of them. The child stared in wonder at the strange person standing before him who looked like Santa Claus and also looked very suspicious.

Higashizawa, on the other hand, was sweating buckets. He had been caught! This was taboo in the world of Santa Claus! What was he going to do now? Sneak past while the child was still in a state of shock and then fly away quickly? Somehow he had the feeling that just wasn't possible.

The child stammered, "Y-You're Santa?"

The poor Reaper, backed into a corner, figured that the best course of action was to play along, tell the kid that good little boys like him should go straight back to bed, and leave. "Hmmm, well yes, your answer is sumptuously correct. It is I, Santa Claus."

He expected the child to get all excited, and he did but for a different reason.

"You're not Santa!" cried the kid in alarm. "Santa doesn't have dreadlocks!"

"Huh?"

"Impostor!" shrieked the little terror, dashing back upstairs to his room. "Police! Police! I must call the police!"

"Hey! Shhh!" Higashizawa's attempts to keep the boy quiet ended in vain. In fact, because of his screaming, his parents came to see what the matter was, and were thoroughly shocked to see this hulk of a man dressed as Santa. They instantly recognized that he wasn't Santa Claus, and the first thing that came to their minds was…

"THIEF!" yelled the boy's father, "Hey stop!"

_This is quite the pudding of a mess!_ thought a panicking Higashizawa. _I've got to get out of here before I'm deboned and filleted!_ With no reason to go back upstairs where the angry occupants were now starting to climb down, he bolted back downstairs. Paying no heed to etiquette any longer, he charged through the front door like a rhino and smashed it down easily with his giant frame.

Fortunately for him, Konishi and company had heard the commotion and had landed on the ground, alleviating the need for Higashizawa to find a way back to the roof. He hopped right in, mangled with the reins, and with a hurried "Mush!" to the reindeer, they took off to the skies once more, safe and sound.

He drew a hand over his sweaty forehead, brushing away matted dreadlocks from his face. "That was intense. Boiling."

"Let us hope that is the last of it," said Konishi without emotion of any sort.

Sho glanced back at the family whose house had just been partially demolished and laughed. "Nice work! That door looks so zetta cool now that it's derived into a million pieces. Trash always does."

"L-Leave your sarcasm out of this one, Mr Minamimoto."

"Hmph… what sarcasm? I was just complimenting him. You just say that because you can't appreciate the beauty of the radial pattern that the wooden shards of the door make. It's a new way to appreciate garbage. There's always –"

"Okay, enough."

It would take a while for a shaken Higashizawa to find his voice, and when it came back to him, he said a little too timidly for a person as big as him, "Um, if you don't mind, I'd like to temporarily delegate the responsibility of tonight's job to either one of you."

As though Konishi could read his mind – and she probably could – she said, "That's sounds like a perfectly acceptable plan. I imagine this delivery job must be quite exhausting… It'd be best to take turns at it…

"…I'll go next."

"First Outer Inner Last!" sniggered Sho. "I want my shot at being Santa later, so don't hog the whole night to yourself."

Konishi cast a stern glare at him. "Let me remind you that this is not a game, Mr Minamimoto. This is Christmas, and our filling in for Mr Claus is a very serious duty indeed. We cannot take any risks like you so carelessly do."

A yawn erupted from Sho's throat as they descended on the roof of another house. "Ah well, you have your formulas of life and I have mine, so whatever."

The Iron Maiden felt a pang of irritation but quickly shoved it aside. Sho was, after all, an enigma in his own right, and trying to understand how he worked would take time which she would rather put to good use in other things.

She stepped out of the sled, cradling a large gift box while Higashizawa shifted to the back seat to give his lethargic body a chance to digest all the milk and cookies he had engorged himself with. The poor guy felt like a blimp and moved like one too, and if someone did so much as poke him, he might explode just like one as well. As for Sho, well… he just sat there being himself.

Konishi had work to handle in the meantime. It was just like her to take every job with a serious attitude, even if it was an absurd one like playing Santa. Much like her personality, the way in which she carried out each gift delivery was cold, straightforward and extremely calculative. Her approach was efficient and even elegant in a methodical kind of way: sneak in, deposit the presents, and exit stealthily, leaving behind no traces. There was nothing that could distract her, not even the most delicious of midnight snacks laid out by the children. She was the perfect worker.

Her streak of flawless deliveries, however, was eventually broken with one fateful visit to a particular house.

It was business as usual, or so she thought at the time. She had snuck in with Santa's magic key for the twenty-third time, located the family's Christmas tree and left the present there for the twenty-third time without fail, and was about to leave in peace for the twenty-third time. But that last twenty-third time never came. As she turned to head back to the unlocked door, the sudden presence of a child startled her.

A young boy of about six years of age was standing before her with a look of astonishment on his face. He happened to be a light sleeper tonight just like many anxious excited kids his age must be on the night of Christmas Eve. And somehow, he had picked up on Konishi's light footsteps and went to investigate… hoping to catch Santa, but instead seeing this imposing woman in Santa's outfit. Who was she?

Konishi was not amused. _Tch. I just hate unforeseen circumstances_, she grumbled in her thoughts, _I'd planned out every move of mine for this job to go smoothly… My foolproof plans… how could they go awry? My predictions have all been accurate thus far! But… there's no denying that things like this happen once in a blue moon. Still irks, though._

The surprised boy was struggling to say or ask something, but she interrupted his thoughts with a few words that could cut through metal. "No, I'm not Santa Claus. And I am not Mrs Claus either."

The boy found his voice. "Th-Then who are you?"

"Let's just say I'm filling in for Mr Claus while he is still… dead."

"Dead? !" The boy went pale in disbelief and horror. "What do you mean, Santa's dead? !"

"It is what it is. Mr Claus was killed in an accident –"

"You're lying. Santa can't be dead!" Tears were already starting to well up on the corners of the boy's eyes.

An impatient Konishi was eager to just usher the darn kid back to bed where he rightfully belonged. The thing was, even though she was great at handling the most difficult of tasks, including organizing all the administrative work, there was one thing she wasn't good at, and she herself would readily admit it.

Being nice to children. She was terrible at it.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that she was terrible at being nice to _everyone_ in general.

"I'm telling the truth here, little boy," she growled. "I'll give you that Santa isn't a myth, but do you seriously believe everyone lives forever? Even if his life wasn't so rudely cut off short tonight, with his old age, it's not too much of a stretch to imagine that sooner or later he would kick the bucket all the same. Grow up, kid."

Every word she uttered was so brutal that the boy's hopes and dreams were rapidly crumbling to dust. No more Santa Claus… Instead, it would be this terrible old lady… Christmas would never be the same again… Overwhelmed by his own emotions, he let them loose and tearfully screamed the whole house down.

"HE'S NOT DEAD! YOU LIE! YOU LIE! WAAAAAAAH! ! !"

"Well, he is," said Konishi, plugging fingers into her ears and walking past him. "Accept it."

The boy's piercing screams could be heard for miles and miles as she and her crew flew off to search for more houses. Higashizawa said, "You know, Ms Konishi, I heard everything just now."

She knew exactly what he was referring to. "Yes, what about it?"

"I think you should have been gentler with the boy. That was needlessly cruel; can you even start to imagine his despair? It reminds me of the time when I got careless and burned my food for the first time during cooking. It affected me so badly that it took a while for me to take up my spatula again… Luckily I was able to heal my mustard-infused wounds, but this is a kid!"

She scowled and her green eyes darkened with irritation. "Don't tell me to act all extra-nice to him just because he's juvenile. It's not my style to coo and get friendly with little brats like him. Now get it out of your system and let's deal with our next delivery."

Higashizawa sighed, feeling sorry for the boy who he knew must be severely traumatized. He couldn't think up of any more similes to describe the child's bruised feelings… like ice-cream melted in an oven… like fat burned at the stove… like eggs that had gone bad…

On the other end of the moral spectrum, and aligned with Konishi somewhat, was Sho. But his reasons for killing the child's joy were very, very different… and very, very wrong.

"Ho yeah, that was brilliant!" he laughed heartily. "I zetta dig your style, Konishi! Now you know how fun it is to divide people's hopes into tiny fractions! Who cares 'bout some dumb toddlers anyway, eh? ! Ha ha ha ha…!"

"You make no sense as usual, Mr Minamimoto," she muttered flatly.

"Man, all this makes me wanna sing another song," he rambled crazily to himself. "Yes! I've got it! A new song… A new musical masterpiece worthy to be differentiated and integrated a million zetta times!"

"Stop talking. You're ruining my concentration."

"Yeah, I figured as much… Whatever, it's time to sing… inside my head!" Then he whipped out his megaphone and yelled, "Ladies and gentle-digits, I present to you a labour of love crafted from the mind of the greatest mathematician to grace history… ME!"

Konishi rubbed her forehead. "Good Lord."

Sho's creativity was unparalleled. It was just a bit of a great pity that it had to be wasted on useless things like junk sculptures, coming up with more mathematics-related catchphrases, and fantasizing about being a math teacher and gleefully giving his class hell. This new song of his was another fine example of his talents at their craziest, sung to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"…

_You better watch out  
><em>_You better go hide  
><em>_You better pray now  
><em>_I'm telling you why_

_Konishi is coming to town!_

_She's coming to town  
><em>_With a deadly gaze  
><em>_Looking for homes  
><em>_To trash and raze_

_Konishi is coming to town!_

_She knows where you are hiding  
><em>_She knows if you're afraid  
><em>_She'll come into your room tonight  
><em>_So be sure to watch your head_

_Oh, you better watch out  
><em>_You better go hide  
><em>_But you can't escape  
><em>_I'm telling you why_

_Konishi is coming to town!_

_She's making a list  
><em>_She's checking it twice  
><em>_To see who's fit  
><em>_To feed to her mice_

_Konishi is coming to town!_

_She'll summon all her pet Noise  
><em>_To seek and look for you  
><em>_She'll zombify your parents  
><em>_And she will come after you too_

_Oh, you better watch out  
><em>_You better go hide  
><em>_Block the doors  
><em>_I'm telling you why_

_Konishi is coming to town!_

_Go on and cry  
><em>_Until your face swells  
><em>_See if she cares  
><em>_When she sends you to hell_

_Konishi is coming to town!_

_There's no way you can stop her  
><em>_Not even with a stake  
><em>_And holy water makes her laugh  
><em>_So just die for goodness sake_

_Oh, you better watch out  
><em>_You better go hide  
><em>_Live it up now  
><em>_I'm telling you why_

_Konishi is coming…  
><em>_Konishi is coming…  
><em>_Konishi is coming… to town! ! !_

"Ugh… that child's screaming…" Konishi was groaning and clutching her forehead lightly in her fingers. "It's ringing in my ears and somehow, it can't stop."

Higashizawa was slightly sympathetic, though a part of him felt that this was retribution for her cruelty towards children. Still, some kind words were in order. "If only you're listening to the sounds of tempura being deep-fried, that'd be just splendid…"

"I need to rest," she mumbled. "Mr Minamimoto, though I hesitate to ask you of this, I'm afraid I can't concentrate as it is, so I believe now is the time for you to shine."

Like a dog that had caught a whiff of its favourite food, Sho perked up markedly. From a bored, slouched slump he instantly sat upright like a lightning rod. With more enthusiasm than was necessary, he asked, "So is it my turn now?"

"Sadly, yes."

"Finally!" he laughed. "It's (x 2) witness the power of math as it saves Christmas!"

"Take note that we're all still taking turns here. Eventually, I'm going to have to ask you to stop and allow Mr Higashizawa, and then me, to continue."

"So I'm not Santa for the rest of the night? Huh… zetta disappointing, but eh. Sometimes, the equation of your desires isn't simultaneous with the equation of real life. Too many unknowns, you know? And then what you get isn't really the solution you want."

"I have no idea what you just said. And I fear you may have made my headache worse."

"Oh, thank you, Konishi, it's so nice to be praised. You're not such a stick-in-the-mud binomial as I previously thought."

Konishi just sighed. Higashizawa felt good that he was not a part of this absurd conversation.

The next house loomed nearby and they parked the sled on its roof like they did with all of the other houses. Sho stepped out of the sled with a regal air and filled his lungs with a nice deep breath of cold winter air. "Aah, zetta lovely."

"Don't take too long now, Mr Minamimoto. There are still a lot of houses out there to visit. And now that we're venturing further inside the city, the work is going to be a lot harder."

"Hey, c'mon, who do you think I am? If I can solve 9 x 9 matrix problems in a matter of minutes, what Santa does for a living is as easy as pi."

He slunk inside the house and immediately found the living room, where a Christmas tree sat proudly, its shiny ornaments giving it a life of its own. To any other person it would have looked fine. But Sho was not impressed because it lacked the one thing all things should have, and that was beauty, the one thing other than numbers and decimals that he was obsessed with.

His idea of beauty, however, was seriously warped…

The more he looked at the tree, the more his disgust for it grew. Finally he could stand it no longer. "That's it!" he huffed. "This tree is so zetta ugly! I've got to fix it right this second!"

He stalked off to look for trash bins around the house, and when he did, he carried them back into the living room for some… remodeling. "Heh heh heh… It'll be over real quick, and then this tree will look as pretty as that hyperbola origami I made the other day."

Back on the rooftop, his fellow officers were waiting for him to return, but five minutes had gone by and there was still no sign of him. Higashizawa wondered if Sho was taking his sweet time feasting on milk and cookies like he did. Konishi was as cynical as she was impatient, glancing at her watch every so often and growing more irritated with each second that passed.

She grumbled, "I'd best go and have a gander."

So inside the house she went to find Sho. It wasn't too hard, as he was right before her. What he was currently doing was a great source of alarm for her, though. A variety of bins stood by his feet, and one of them was overflowing with Christmas ornaments – the ones originally hanging from the tree; he had taken them down and tossed them in there! He was casually taking all manner of trash and draping them on the tree branches as artistically as he could. The tree was now covered from top to bottom with discarded paper, banana peels, unwanted plastic wrappings and other bits of nothing.

Konishi raised her voice a little too loudly for an angry whisper, "Wh-What are you doing? !"

Sho wedged the last of a selection of empty beer cans in among the branches and stepped back to admire his handiwork. "Yo, Konishi, you came at the right time. I was just putting on the finishing touches. So! What do you think of my latest masterpiece?"

For a good few seconds, she just gaped.

"Too awestruck to say a word? Heh heh, that's fine… I'll take that as a factoring compliment – Ow!" He had been struck in the back of the head by Konishi's palm. Then he found himself dragged back towards the front door by the ear.

"Mr Minamimoto," she said with barely contained rage, "do not mix your work up with your play!"

"But this was an emergency – Ngh!"

She squeezed his ear tighter and didn't let go of him until they climbed back onto the roof where Higashizawa was looking at them with an expression that read, "I knew it". "There's no time to undo what you've done," she fumed, "but if I catch you doing that again…"

"Zetta boring… You're no fun, Ko–"

A voice rang out like a searing clap of thunder. "AAAAH! ! ! What is this? ! Who did this to our Christmas tree? !"

It didn't take chicken brains to realize that it must belong to the owner of the house or one of his family members. Higashizawa gulped and hurriedly got the sled airborne as fast as he could. "Best we make like runny gravy and get out of here."

Despite the sting in his ear, Sho chuckled, satisfied with himself. "It looks like someone appreciates my work at last. Heh!"

Konishi and Higashizawa groaned inwardly. Knowing him, this wouldn't be the last of his shenanigans. In fact, it was merely the beginning. In any case, they were in for a very long night…


	3. Chapter 3

**Reapers' Christmas (Part 3)  
><strong>by BrDPirateMan

Sho was very excited to be Santa Claus, or at least pretend to be him. To him, playing such an iconic important figure was a godsend as it presented so many opportunities to introduce the wonders of mathematics to the world. And what better time to do that than Christmas?

He was singing like a drunken fool as the three Reapers flew to the next building in Santa's sled. "Zetta bells, zetta bells, zetta all the way! Oh what fun addition is in a diff'rentiated sled, hey! Zetta bells, zetta –"

Konishi was about to tell him to shut up for the umpteenth time tonight, but Higashizawa beat her to it, surprisingly. "Mr Minamimoto! Stop singing that half-baked excuse of a song already! You're giving me indigestion!"

"Psh, you're just jealous that you can't even hold a candle to my brilliance. My Pythagoras theorem-themed Christmas jingles are going to be all the rage! Not only are they fun to sing, they're educational too. So there, radian!"

"All I'm asking for is one moment of peace. Eggs can't even start to boil with you around."

"Culinary and mathematical nonsense aside," coughed Konishi, "our next house is coming up."

Their newest target was an apartment building, the first of many that they were planning to visit this Christmas Eve. Sho was to infiltrate each unit in all of the four floors, and leave the presents out for the kids as quickly and quietly as possible. With care, speed and a fair bit of luck, it should be all done in about half an hour. But Sho had a peculiar habit of getting distracted by anything that he found ugly or un-math-ly, as he liked to put it. And then he'd waste time trying to rectify it for what he felt was the better, but was actually worse. Much worse.

Konishi made some adjustments to their plans, accounting for lost time from Sho's meddling and trying to make their worst-case scenario as favourable as possible. It was hard. She mentally prepared herself for utter and complete failure.

Yes, it wasn't the best thing ever. And all Sho had to say to that was a very happy-sounding "Zetta HO HO HO!"

"Good grief," she groaned.

Sho started from the topmost floor and worked his way down the apartment building. His task was relatively simple and quick, and he had little problems going about it. He only wished the surroundings were more interesting. Christmas was nice, but math was better. But he had to fight back the urge to scrounge the dustbins outside for trash to redecorate the place with. Boy, did he have to fight it.

He eventually entered one of the units on the ground floor. The moment he turned the doorknob, he was surprised to find a little girl in the living room before him, awake and fiddling with the branches of the Christmas tree. She noticed him and gave a loud gasp. "Who are you? !"

Sho, with his usual don't-give-a-darn attitude, answered with unnecessary pride, "Heh! You're looking at the greatest god ever conceived on the face of the universe… and his name is Sho Minamimoto! Nice to meet you, zetta girlie!"

"You're not Santa?" asked the girl, to be sure.

"You cheeky little exponential, do I look anything like Fat Man Christmas? I'm his helper, and don't you forget it!"

The girl, unfazed by his unique brand of rudeness, sighed in disappointment. "Oh, I see… I was staying up tonight because I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa."

"Huh! First Outer Inner Last! There's a zetta sequence to doing things, you know, in math or in life! For example, you should be in bed sleeping!

"Still," continued Sho, "that's awfully brave of you to defy your parents. Ha ha ha! Alright kid, I like you, you've got zetta guts. Tell you what. If you can answer this math question for me, I'll give you one of my most prized possessions as a massive bonus: this advanced mathematics textbook!"

He whipped out a thick paperback book, slightly dog-eared from much use, and filled from cover to cover with yawn-inducing math things. "Come on now, are you up to it? Or are you an inverse matrix? !"

The girl was now utterly befuddled, question marks spinning every which way and that around her head. "Uh…"

"Great!" said Sho, without waiting for a proper answer. "Let's begin! Now listen closely, okay, kid?"

"Um, I don't want that thick book, sir. You have my present, right? Please can I have it already –"

"I said listen, you zetta binomial! Now, here's your one-to-the-power-of-six dollar question: let's say I had six apples…"

The first sentence made the little girl think that it was a simple arithmetic question, and she inwardly sighed with relief. Well, that shouldn't be too hard now, should it? If she got her math right and answered carefully, she could get her present. As for the book… she could always give it to somebody or toss it into the bin. She didn't need it anyway. So she chose to play along for now. But what Sho said afterwards dampened her confidence.

"…then I vaporize one apple into 852 million atoms with a plasma cannon. Next I mash another apple into juice of density 1200 kg/m3, where one cubic metre of juice contains 70 million particles. Lastly I eat the remaining apples and digest them at a rate of, let's say, 550 joules per second. If I were to then drink the juice and energise myself with the apple particles to become a super-powered being, then how much energy would I consume in one hour? For argument's sake, assume that each apple has a uniform mass of 100 g, that juice is digested at 800 joules per second, and that there are no losses in mass during juicing or vaporising."

Sho placed his hands on his hips, pleased that he had come up with such an interesting brain-teaser at such short notice. The girl, however, could only cast a goggle-eyed stare at him.

She did manage to utter a single word though, to prove that she was still awake. "Huh?"

"Well, you heard me… That's my zetta question. Now answer it quickly! Your time is subtracting! Don't you want your special prize? !"

"Sir, I don't need the book!" she almost yelled, frustrated and confused. "Give me my present!"

"No can do till you at least try, little girl! SOHCAHTOA!"

Any other kid might have bawled his or her eyes out by now, but she was strangely plucky, so she didn't. In her simple mind, she reasoned that even if she got the answer wrong (a guaranteed happening), the most she lost was the book, but then who wanted that, anyway. She'd still get what she wanted. With a shrug, she muttered:

"Um, I dunno… is it zetta?" She used that word because she noticed how often he was using it in his speech and figured it was math and sounded relevant.

Upon hearing that, Sho's right eye twitched, followed by his left one. He shook and trembled, seemingly in rage or frustration, and before long he was convulsing. Then he bent his entire body backwards like a contortionist, and he whooped, "You said 'zetta'? You said 'ZETTA'? YOU SAID 'ZETTA'? !"

Now she was growing slightly spooked out. "…Sir? Um, wh-what's wrong? And… I already told you, but I don't need the b–"

He bent back into his normal posture and laughed maniacally. "Ha ha ha! Amazing! Fantastic! 3.1415926! You actually said 'zetta'! Just like me! Why, this is marvelous! Already mathematics has found another follower in the making!"

After a clearing of his throat, he continued in a much saner fashion, "Well, kid, your answer was completely wrong, but you've impressed me so much by following in the footsteps of the greatest mathematician of all time… so much in fact, that I'll be factoring glad to give this book to you, no screws or fractions attached. Congratulations, you've earned it!" And he dumped both the present and the very heavy book in her hands. She almost fell over onto her face from the weight.

He made a hasty dash for the front door and waved over his shoulder. "Merry Christmas, little decimal! ZETTA HO HO HO!" Then the door slammed shut behind him and he was gone.

The girl was left standing in the living room in a dazed state, cradling her gift and the useless book. She didn't know what to think.

"Santa employs weird people…"

Konishi noted two things about Sho when he rejoined them on the rooftop. First, he was late by about a minute or two, but at least it was an improvement. Second, he looked pretty chipper. Sure, he was almost never seen without his stupid grin, but now he was genuinely happy. Something was up.

"What's gotten you so happy, Mr Minamimoto?" asked a curious Higashizawa.

Sho clambered aboard and they were off once more. "Heh… I've just found another kindred soul to join me in the world of great mathematics!"

It was mutually decided by his two mentally more stable partners that it was best to leave it at that and not ask any further.

"Something tells me," muttered Konishi, "that I'd rather not know what that means."

XOXOXOXOXO

Konishi had given Sho so many warnings that she had lost count. Although Sho didn't seem perturbed by her constant nagging, she herself did. She was dead tired of it.

Every time they came across another house, before Sho went inside, she would say something along the lines of, "I beg you, Mr Minamimoto, just perform a normal delivery with none of the nonsense you seem to enjoy identifying yourself with. So I'm telling you right now to refrain from doing anything that involves dawdling, rambling, vandalism, Christmas tree redecoration, or in fact anything at all. JUST. DO. IT."

And then Sho would always smirk and say, "Heh heh… No promises, Konishi… no promises."

She would be about ready to smack him upside the head at this point.

"Okay, the roof is too steep to land there," announced Higashizawa, "but luckily, there's a balcony where you can get off. We'll hover nearby, and when you've served the main dish, you can hop right back in for the next course."

The mildest hint of irritation tainted Sho's unending smile. "Tch. So I have to climb over the railing onto a balcony six floors above the ground? I know I'm not really alive, but this is still zetta dangerous."

"We don't have a choice, Mr Minamimoto. Get to it."

"Konishi, this ain't like you, you know… heh."

"What do you mean?" she grumbled, frowning.

"I'm saying that there's always more than one formula to calculate the right answer. Right now, we want to get inside the apartment so we can do our business. This dangerous path is your formula, but I've got a better one."

"So what you're getting at is that you claim to have a better idea with which we can gain access to the house? Let's hear it, then. Though I'm not holding my breath."

"Okay, but first…" He whipped out the calculator that he kept hidden in his pocket and, with frightening quickness, started jabbing the buttons. "Hmmm… let's see… If x equals 2 metres, and v is about 20 metres per second, then the force is… aha! Yes, that would work!"

"Mr Minamimoto, what on earth are you doing n– Ugh, asking that question is getting tiresome. Is this your idea? Wasting time on a math problem?"

"It's an _important_ math problem! Just you wait and see, binomial!" As he was talking, he delved his hands deep into the sack and started rummaging about.

Then, to the surprise of his two colleagues, he fished out one of the gift boxes… but found that a brick was tied securely to it; it was all too apparent that this was Sho's doing. Why he wanted to attach a brick to a present was unfathomable…

…until he hurled the whole thing at the window.

It shattered with the loud tinkering and plinking of breaking glass. To make matters worse, the burglar alarm went off, its wail piercing through the cold air. In the quietness of the night it sounded even more voluminous. Higashizawa went pale. And it was all Konishi could do to refrain herself from screaming, and she never screamed.

"Mr Minamimoto! What the devil did you just – "

"What?" shrugged Sho. "I calculated the trajectory to get it right too! Holy truncation, did I mess this one up? Dammit… I need a better calculator. This one's nothing but trash. Oh well, CRUNCH it goes!" And with that, he lobbed it straight through another window with a vengeance. It felt good hearing it break apart together with the glass, but neither of his partners shared his joy, because now another burglar alarm had gone off! The noise was so bad it was more than enough to wake the dead and revive fossilized dinosaurs!

"Mr Minamimoto, you idiot!" roared Konishi, finally losing her temper. "Why did you do what you just did? !"

"Hey, I'm only maximizing our efficiency. Why the digit do we even need to sneak inside when we can just toss our presents in? It's faster that way, by about 350%! I just did the calculations for that, you know. As an added bonus, smashing windows feels good too!"

They spotted lights coming on and windows being lit up as the people were roused awake by the unpleasant racket. Higashizawa panicked. "We must leave before everyone wakes up and reports us to the police! I'm not planning to rot in prison, without a kitchen no less!"

"I… I concur," said Konishi. "Step on it. We must be off!"

In the mayhem of it all, the confused reindeer couldn't react fast enough so takeoff was slow enough for the occupants of the ravaged apartment to come running and see what was up and spot them. The whole family – Mum, Dad and two kids – were both surprised and appalled by what had happened to their peaceful home. And when they saw the three hapless Reapers, their first thought was that they were responsible for this mess.

"Hey!" cried the father.

"That's not Santa," seethed one of the kids. "There's three of them, and Santa doesn't ride a sled that ugly!"

Sho was taken aback. "It's _not_ ugly, you zetta sons of digits! Where's your sense of beauty? !" Fortunately, the sled zipped away into the air before he could argue any further.

"Call the police!" said the angry mother. She immediately grabbed the phone and notified the authorities.

XOXOXOXOXO

In the local police station, several officers were still on duty that night, bored that nothing exciting was happening… yet. The policeman who answered the call from the aforementioned disgruntled citizen was busy scribbling down details in a notebook. When he finally hung up, his female colleague asked casually, "What was that about? Another report?"

"Yup," replied the policeman, going over the notes he had written. "Seems there's been another break-in."

The policewoman gracelessly mumbled through a mouthful of potato crisps, "That's just weird. That's our fifth call tonight! We've been getting all sorts of reports about some troublemakers… and they're all dressed as Santa Claus."

"I'll agree with you that it's weird. You ask me, I think they're all connected. Done by the same perps."

"Yeah… it's no coincidence."

Suddenly, their superior, an officer of high rank, jogged into the office briskly. With his loud booming voice, he demanded everyone's attention and got it. "We've got an emergency! We just got word that the terrorists who have been wreaking havoc the whole of tonight… have been spotted flying around in some kind of modified microlight!"

The entire police department stared at him like he had grown a horn from the top of his head.

"Yes, I know it sounds stupid," he continued, "but this is serious! One of our men who was on patrol saw the microlight himself with his own eyes. That coincides with the reports we've been getting. Now let's go, people! Move! Move!"

At his orders, most of the police officers rushed over to the armoury to get suited up for any possible hostile encounters with the so-called terrorists. Decked out in protective armour they piled into several riot vans and police SUVs, and promptly thundered off onto the streets in search of the wrongdoers.

Meanwhile, the Reapers, unaware of their fate, were cruising around for another house to visit. Konishi was still sweating buckets from the shock. Higashizawa was holding the reins with fists so tight his knuckles turned white as snow. Sho was the only one who was relaxed, his hands casually resting behind his head, just enjoying life like he always did.

"Oh my goodness," breathed Konishi, "that's a nightmare. I'm not entirely sure how low our envisioned worst-case scenario has sunken by now."

"Wait," snapped Higashizawa, signaling her to keep quiet. "Do you hear that?"

"Are those… sirens?" She looked over the side of the sled to the streets below, and found a convoy of police vehicles on the road with sirens blaring and lights flashing. "Don't tell me the police have been notified and are giving chase!"

Sho expressed surprise. "What? Police? ! Seriously? !" He followed Konishi's gaze, and when he realized this to be true, his grin grew wider. "Woohoo! Now we've got the zetta cops on our graph! They sure know their zeros and ones!"

"This is no laughing matter, Mr Minamimoto!" she growled. "The police are coming after us because of all the trouble that _you've_ been causing tonight!"

He didn't listen to her. Instead, adding to the great horror of his colleagues, he fished out his megaphone and shouted to their pursuers, "'Evening, hectopascals! Merry Christmas! If you think you've got a yoctogram of a chance, then why don't you come and try iterating us, eh? On a typical graph we're way above the x-axis, but you sons of digits are still mucking around at y = 0! Zetta slow!"

Konishi smacked him on the head, eliciting a grunt of pain from him. "Stop it! No one can understand you anyway!"

Meanwhile, the police were desperately trying to keep up with the sled, going as fast as their police sedans could take them. One of the policemen was communicating with their headquarters via radio. "We found the perps! But their microlight is moving so fast; we need air support immediately!"

"Roger that," crackled in a reply. "Chopper coming your way; ETA three or four minutes. Keep watching the skies. Don't lose sight of 'em."

While the police were getting ready to launch their own counter to the Reapers' flying sled, Higashizawa saw fit to take matters into his own hands.

"I'm going to try and shake them off," he called. "Hopefully we can lose them or make them so confused they don't know their pudding from their jam!"

So he maneuvered the sled through a wild meandering route, twisting and turning and tumbling. No matter where they went, though, there would always be police vehicles lying in wait somewhere on the ground to track them down. Sho enjoyed the impromptu rollercoaster ride, egging the driver to attempt parabolic flight. And as for poor Konishi, well… she wasn't so sure she could keep her dinner in her stomach.

"Ugh… Mr Higashizawa," she strained to say, "a moment, p-please…! Slow… down… I can't… urp…!"

He took a quick glance behind at the back seats and found her with a greenish, sickly tint on her face, desperately clinging onto the side of the sled for dear life. "P-Pardon me!" he apologized, setting their path in a straight line once more. "The wrong condiments in a plan can lead to disaster, after all, like paella being cooked too salty or too sour. Sorry!"

"No… No similes, please… Just… Just get us to safety… as _smoothly_… as possible…"

"Smooth flights are garbage," snapped Sho laughingly. "Yeah, turbulence is so much more fun!"

Even as he spoke, however, all three of them were becoming increasingly aware of a familiar humming noise. It was growing louder by the second, and eventually the source of the sound itself positioned itself beside them…

A police helicopter was flying next to them several feet away, its side doors open. An officer was sitting inside and peeking at them from behind the safety of a mounted machinegun, his thumbs on the triggers, itching to pull them. His dead serious eyes never left their target.

"Hey, check this out," said the gunner.

"Yeah," said an accompanying officer. "Reindeer pulling the sled? I don't know how they managed to do that for their microlight, and I gotta give them credit for authenticity, but they're still under arrest."

"Oh my goodness, this is serious," gasped Konishi.

Higashizawa was at his wit's end and could no longer think straight. "What now? ! If we don't do something quick, we'll lose our appetite."

Their very grave situation failed to prevent Sho from straying away from his wisecracking ways, however. "Ha ha ha! A chopper? A _factoring_ chopper? I thought things were interesting as it is, but now it just got multiplied by all kinds of awesome!"

"…Your insanity, Mr Minamimoto, is ruining the broth."

"This is the police!" came a yell from the helicopter. "Descend immediately or we will open fire! We have been authorized to use lethal force… You have been warned!"

"Depending on how they deep-fry us," said Higashizawa, "we might be let off the hook with just a golden-brown coating or be burnt to a crispy black. Best we marinade over this matter and think carefully."

Konishi analysed their situation as best as she could. "Technically, as Reapers, we can't die, so even if they do shoot us, nothing will happen. But let's not push it. I say we do as they say and put an end to this madness once and for all. We can always attune our vibes to the UG at any time to disappear and escape. And then we should be able to do something about the sled, the reindeer and the goods."

"Hmmm… not a bad idea, Ms Konishi. It wouldn't do for Mr Claus' sled to look like a colander."

"You mean we're not fighting those cops? !" cried Sho.

"Of course not!" fumed Konishi. "Are you insane? ! Let's just surrender for now. Mr Higashizawa, descend!"

"Bleh. So zetta boring!"

Higashizawa slowly guided everyone down to the ground, and found themselves at Scramble Crossing, which was large enough for a sled and its team of reindeer. Even before they touched the asphalt, a multitude of patrol cars, police SUVs and armoured vehicles quickly surrounded them. Riot policemen clambered out by the dozens, wielding machineguns and riot shields. From atop several buildings, snipers had their powerful rifles trained on them. There was no escape. Faced with so many guns, things that reindeer never saw too much of, they shook and shivered in fright, antlers on the verge of shrinking.

"You're under arrest!" shouted a policeman through his megaphone. "Step out of the vehicle immediately!"

Cried out another, "You're surrounded. Drop that bag, and put your hands up!"

"Ooh! A megaphone!" chuckled Sho. "Zetta sexy! Well, it's still not as beautiful as mine though!"

"Mr Minamimoto," whispered Konishi angrily, "please refrain from making things worse. PLEASE."

The three Reapers were escorted away from the sled while the heavily-armoured bomb squad converged upon Santa's magical bag and examined it with great care. "Full of gifts," noted one officer, "but they could all be bombs in disguise. Be careful!"

"This is not happening," Konishi could be heard muttering in anger, at which point a nearby police officer quickly shut her up.

"Be quiet! You have the right to remain silent!"

Thus ended the harrowing police chase, along with the Reapers' plan to save Christmas. It was all over… Santa Claus was still dead, and their sled was in the process of being confiscated. Without it and their gear, they couldn't do a single thing. And Sho was to blame for the bad luck that had befallen them!

Christmas was doomed. Nothing could be done now. Millions of children everywhere would wake up the next day, their trees devoid of presents, and they would lose faith in Santa Claus… Some might still hope, others might cherish the days when Father Christmas was still a reality, but most might hate him and never want to speak of the old man again. Children were naturally shallow to some degree; for them, presents were what Christmas was about, but the main point to consider was that Santa had failed. This wasn't the way it was supposed to end.

And in the midst of it all, Sho was grinning like an idiot. The sole perpetrator of this entire shameful mess… the person who'd change the history of Christmas forever… was smiling.

Just when all hope seemed lost… a miracle happened. Out of nowhere, a voice cried out.

"Time, be still!"

All of a sudden, the whole world turned monochrome. With the curious exception of the trio of arrested Reapers, everything was coloured in hues of black, white and grey. What was more, everything and everyone was strangely still… not moving a single inch. It was as though time had stopped for the whole world except them. The Reapers took in their vastly altered surroundings in bewilderment, wondering what had just happened.

Then came two familiar figures, weaving through the throng of policemen. One was tall and slim, and the other was the opposite with a rotund body. They were instantly recognizable.

Konishi was the first to snap to action. "Mr Kitaniji, and Mr Claus… What… What brings you here?"

Santa, not in a good mood after everything that had happened, refused to talk. Megumi, calm and serene as ever, explained, "The Composer has decided to make an exception with Mr Claus. In a gesture of magnanimity, He has agreed to waive the terms of the Reapers' Game for him and have him reincarnated. Now that Mr Claus is alive again, he can get back to work."

"And not a moment too soon!" huffed Santa, retrieving his bag of gifts.

The Reapers pulled themselves free from the frozen grip of the policemen who were holding onto them. Megumi spoke again, "So great going, the three of you. Your work here is done."

Hiding her relief and joy, Konishi chose to reply in a professional manner like she was always known to do. "I see. Thank you, sir."

"It was not an easy task by a long shot," said Higashizawa, "but like I said, there's nothing I can't cook up."

Sho looked a bit disappointed that his fun pretending to be Santa and causing havoc had to stop here. But he knew that all good things must come to an end. At least the value of infinity never would, and he took solace in that piece of knowledge.

Megumi gestured to Santa Claus to hurry up. "I can't keep my time-stopping ability active for too long. Mr Claus, make haste and go. It's not safe for you here. As for us, we should vamoose."

Just as Santa was about to take off, Sho snapped in a rude, cheeky way, "What, no presents for us, old man?"

He got another whack in the back of his head by Konishi. "Mr Minamimoto!"

Santa's fierce blue eyes seemed to sink into the face as a result of the wrinkles he was making from frowning a great deal. But when he spoke he was surprisingly calm. "Well, you did help me out, in your own bumbling way… It wouldn't do for me to not give you something." He reached into his bag and tossed four identical boxes their way, one for each of the three Reaper officers plus Megumi.

"Why thank you, Mr Claus," said Higashizawa. Could it be the cookbook he had always wanted? The one about restaurant-grade food with only the basest of ingredients? He couldn't wait to open up his gift.

Sho inspected his present with the eye of a meticulous artist. "I wonder what's inside… a set of geometrical instruments?"

Konishi didn't seem to care. But if her gift was another book on how to manipulate enemies, then that wouldn't be a bad thing.

"Good luck, Mr Claus," called Megumi, waving. "Let's meet again next Christmas."

A cringe from Santa shook his old frame. "No, that would be terrible. If we ever meet, it'll be when I die, and I don't want that!"

Megumi simply laughed. "Ah yes, that's true. We can't have that now, can we?"

The reindeer looked especially glad that their master had returned to them. Rudolph's nose might have shone bright red with fear earlier, but know it was bathed in a comfortable glow. Santa took the reins, snapped them with a cry of "Mush!" and was airborne. Then, in his usual jolly way, as though he had forgotten all of his anger and frustration, he shouted, "Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!"

"Yes… Merry Christmas indeed. Now, people, we must be off."

Megumi and the Reapers disappeared into the UG, their mission complete. And when time returned to normal, all traces of the sled, the reindeer and the terrorists were gone. The police were befuddled. After the initial confusion died down, they lost no time conducting a city-wide search. Things were going to get busy for awhile, but they would end up empty-handed, because their prey had long escaped…

Now safely back in the Dead God's Pad, the three ex-Santa pretenders reflected upon their adventures, or rather… _mis_adventures.

But there was nothing to reflect on, other than the fact that Sho Minamimoto should never be counted on to do anything properly. Higashizawa was dead tired, but Konishi had it worse since she was always the one trying to keep his math-infused tendencies in check. The stress was overwhelming, and now all she wanted to do was rest. Reading her favourite book, _How to Crush Your Enemies and Make Them Kill Themselves_, could wait.

Higashizawa yawned. "That's that. Another fine entrée, I suppose. Not the most pleasant job, but at least it wasn't thankless."

"You mean the gifts he gave us?" said Konishi.

Megumi hopped his gift box from one hand to another. "Then why don't you open them up? I know it's tradition to open them up on Christmas Day, but it doesn't really matter."

"Yeah, so what's the holdup, you hectopascals? !" Sho pulled at the wrapping and shredded it to bits, fingers eager to pry the lid open. "It's Santa we're talking about here. I'm pretty zetta sure he's got something multiplicious for us. Heh… Ten yen tells me that mine is probably a –"

But inside his gift box was not something that he wanted. It wasn't a pocket guidebook on PhD-level mathematics, or a Sudoku video game, or even a measly protractor. His hopeful grin drooped into the shape of a semi-circle… the top half.

He yanked out the offending thing out of the box with a roar. "What the pi is this? !" In his hands was a solid dark-coloured lump. It stained his fingers black as he held it out at arm's length for everyone to see.

Konishi robotically answered his burning query. "It's coal."

"Huh?"

She took her glasses off to clean them with her handkerchief. "I don't know if I've got my facts right, but apparently the type of present Santa gives to someone depends on how well-behaved he or she has been. If you've been good all year, you'll get a nice present. If you've been naughty, he'll give you a lump of coal, as a sort of reminder for you to try and get your act together next year."

"Coal, you say?" said Higashizawa, starting to open up his own present. "Then what about mine…" But he shared the same fate as Sho. Disappointed, he mumbled, "I got coal too. I should've known. No cookbook can fit into a box this small anyway."

A quick moment of collective unwrapping revealed that all four of them got the same thing: one single piece of coal in all its richly dark and dirty texture. Not exactly the kind of thing to start Christmas with…

"Well, we weren't exactly nice and sugary to begin with," sighed Higashizawa, "but labeling us as naughty is a bit much." Everyone could understand why Sho got coal, but as for themselves…

Again, it was Konishi, the sharpest in mind of them all, who alleviated their puzzlement. "If you ask me, I don't think it's because we were naughty or anything. I think Mr Claus was just angry that we couldn't get the job done properly and professionally. That, and… we caused him no small amount of trouble."

They looked back at the things they did during their time as a trio of Santas and nodded solemnly. They had upset a good many people, broken a whole ton of rules, and even incurred the wrath of the police. Whatever good they had achieved was so miniscule compared to the havoc they had stirred up, that their entire endeavour might as well have been a chaotic rampage across the city, much like how the police perceived it. When they thought about it from an objective point of view, it took out much of the sting from the disappointment of getting such a useless piece of nothing for Christmas. After all, it made sense.

Only Sho didn't take it so well. In a fit of Grinch-like rage, he forcefully crushed the lump of coal in the fingers of one hand. It exploded in his vice-like grasp, causing bits and pieces to fly in all directions like shrapnel from a grenade. He attempted to summarise all of his annoyed thoughts in one short but concise rant, "Some Old Horses Can Always Hear Their Owners Approach."

Sensing that no one could understand him, and that was one hundred percent of the time, he reluctantly decided to elaborate.

"All I'm saying is that Ol' Fatty Christmas is just a son of a digit. He can't understand or appreciate my superhuman genius. I was just trying to multiply the festive cheeriness of Christmas to the power of my own awesomeness, and this _coal_ is all I get for my troubles. His taste is zero, his stupidity is infinite. Christmas, eh? How zetta lame."

He turned on his heel and headed for the door, but not before he could be heard saying, "Oh well, 'least I had fun. Getting chased by cops was a rush. Almost as good as solving that three-tiered Sudoku problem I found the other day. CRUNCH! Later, 000s!" That was the last they saw of him for the night.

The other three Reapers looked at one another, both amused and exasperated by his childish behaviour… or to be more precise, more exasperated than amused. Either way they were glad to have him out of their hair for the time being.

XOXOXOXOXO

First light the next day marked the zenith of festive cheer. Families everywhere were celebrating Christmas Day together. Some people liked things lively and boisterous, having fun with a big bunch of friends. Others opted for a quieter approach to merrymaking, celebrating the day with a few chosen pals or relatives, or even by themselves. Regardless, it was a day where everyone from all walks of life was happy.

Well, almost everyone. And most certainly not Santa Claus, who was having a hard time back on the North Pole.

His sled had been completely vandalized by Sho – made into a bastardisation of its own beautifully crafted self – and his elves were ordered to restore it to normal. It was far from the easiest job in the world. They had to use a blowtorch to remove the welded exhaust pipes, and cleaning "SATAN CLAUS" off of the sides was an especially daunting task.

The reindeer were so traumatized by the whole experience that they were all huddled together, reduced to a gaggle of quivering, sniveling, glassy-eyed things. Rudolph's nose looked ready to fall off from the terrible memory of it all. Santa had to counsel them repeatedly, but it wasn't helping much. He could only hope that one year was enough to get them back on their feet… hooves till next Christmas Eve.

Mrs Claus shook her head as she watched a particularly edgy reindeer get up and run around in circles, while another one was trying to ram the mailbox. "What happened last night," she asked, "that they'd end up like this? And how did your sled look like that?"

And Santa could only wipe his forehead in frustration as he recalled the events of last night. "You don't want to know."

XOXOXOXOXO

In the Dead God's Pad, things weren't looking so bright either on Christmas Day. The three senior Reaper officers along with Megumi were watching the local news. And it wasn't pretty.

"And now for some breaking news," announced the newscaster grimly. "Shibuya was under attack from terrorists last night, on Christmas Eve. The trio of terrorists was dressed as Santa Claus and – believe it or not – flying around in what appeared to be a sled similar to the type that he is famously known to ride.

"They were going around the city causing trouble by breaking into houses, destroying public property, and even causing unnecessary noise in the middle of the night. They even carried a huge bag that purportedly contained gifts, although police suspect that they may actually be explosives. Following an intense chase by a police helicopter, the terrorists eventually seemed to relent and landed their sled in the middle of Scramble Crossing, where squads of riot police lay waiting.

"Details are sketchy at this point, but the terrorists have managed to evade capture. As such, they are still at large, and though it is unclear if or when they will strike again, residents are urged to exercise caution from now on."

The screen cut quickly to a scene of a press conference, given by a serious-looking gentleman, presumably a senior policeman. "This is a terrible thing to happen indeed," he said, his frown making numerous wrinkles in his bulldog face. "We are glad that no one was injured, but whoever committed these heinous acts, especially during such a happy festive time, are the scum of the earth. I assure you as the Chief of Police that we will search day and night for these dangerous criminals and bring them to justice."

The newscaster went on to add, "Police are asking the public to cooperate in the search for the three missing terrorists. If anyone has any leads, no matter how small, do not hesitate to contact the police." A close-up view of the Reaper officers' faces, taken from a still of the live footage from last night, materialized on screen, and beneath the still were the words, "WANTED. REWARD 5,000,000 YEN".

Higashizawa and Konishi groaned at the news. Meanwhile, Sho was ecstatic because…

"Woohoo! Will you zetta look at that. I'm on TV! That's awesomeness multiplied by itself a hundred million billion times! Now the love for math will spread even further, and –"

Konishi grunted in great annoyance as Sho continued to fill the air and their ears with mathematics-related nonsense. "I… I've got a headache."

Higashizawa loved his morning ramen, but it never tasted so bland than today. "I don't think we can show our faces in public anymore. What a tasteless mess we're in."

"Oh hot zetta damn," chuckled you-know-who. "Last night was one heck of an adventure, wasn't it? And to think it all started when I chucked that bus into the air."

Upon hearing that last sentence, Higashizawa and Konishi paused, like time had stopped for them, and then, very very slowly they turned to glare at him with blank but scary-looking eyes.

"What…" hissed Konishi, "What did you just say? !"

"Eh, I was bored, you know," said Sho with a shrug and a goofy smile. "And I was out trawling the streets, trying to find something fun to do. And what do you know, ol' man Christmas was passing over in the sky like a parabolic graph! So I decided to have myself some fun… and I launched the bus at him. Boy, the curve it flew along was so terrific, I almost forgot how to recite the numbers in pi!"

"You mean… this whole mess was your fault to begin with? !"

Sho just laughed his head off so Megumi had to answer for him. "I'm sorry, people. I knew all along it was Sho who killed Santa because I myself witnessed it happening, but I chose not to tell the two of you last night because I didn't want you to try and… kill him when there was work to be done."

"Man, when that bus went flying," rambled Sho excitedly, "the trajectory, the speed, the angle… it was all zetta perfect!"

He didn't notice Konishi and Higashizawa closing in on him menacingly until they were right in front of him.

"Huh? What, got a fraction to grind with me? C'mon, don't be so rigid like a digit. I mean, where's your beauty – Hey that zetta hurts! Ow! Ouch! Gah! SOHCAHTOA!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Konishi, raining punches on poor Sho's body. "If not for you, none of this would have happened! Today, you will DIE, Mr Minamimoto; I predict it will happen precisely ten seconds from now!"

Higashizawa lost no time joining in the carnage, shouting, "This is for all those weight gags you stab at me! You _dare_ to julienne my pride? ! This time, I'll char your bones black!"

Amidst the chaos and brutal blows and cries for zetta help, Megumi was leaning against a wall, the one farthest away from the dust cloud that was them. As usual, he was sipping on a can of coffee. Slowly. _Ahhhhh._

He just shook his head, gave a sigh and muttered to himself, "It sure is noisy this Christmas morning. Well, at least decaf is good."


End file.
